frustration

i hate copying and pasting verbatim but when i read this, i thought i found my long lost twin. this is EXACTLY how i feel and i don't see it letting up anytime soon :(















http://www.weddingbee.com/2009/04/23/confession-of-a-ringzilla/

here are some highlights:
"Growing up, upon finding out about something fun I were going to do in the near future, I used to make myself sick with excitement. I suspect it’s the same with many children, but I’ve never really grown out of it. Instead of a stomach ache, adult me just gets really, really obsessed with the matter at hand. Say, for example, Mr. Mary Jane and I had decided to get a kitten, but we wouldn’t get him for a month. I’d spend that whole month reading everything there is to know about kittens, looking at pictures of kittens, visiting kittens in the humane society, talking to kitten-owners about their vets, and buying cute crap for the kitten to play with when it arrived. I’d probably even make color-coded kitten-related charts. I like to be in control, and I like to plan. And when I can’t get what I want right now, I want to know when I will get it so that I can prepare. I have no excuse for this; it’s a flaw of mine. (And yes, I’m an only child. What gave it away?)

This surprise-engagement thing really bothered me. Again, I wasn’t after the ring, but it was symbolic for the next step to come. I was confused as to why Mr. Mary Jane didn’t want us to be engaged right away. I wondered how long I’d have to wait. I’m generally a “glass-half-empty” person, especially when it comes to matters concerning my character. I wondered what was wrong with me. Was he thinking twice about our future? (I have NO reason to suspect this.) Why wasn’t he as excited to get engaged as I was? I kept pushing the subject. I got annoying. I tried to get him to talk about wedding styles. About guest lists. I sent him links to wedding stuff. He was pretty tolerant, but I knew I shouldn’t be bugging him so much. I was being dumb. I knew it meant a lot to him to do the proposal his own way, on his own time. But I couldn’t let it drop.

I got pushier and pushier as time passed. Valentine’s day came and went, but not without me wondering if maybe he had the ring - maybe it was somehow possible. He gave me a beautiful pink marquise ring for my right hand for Valentine’s Day (along with other thoughtful gifts).

I started to get angry about the whole situation. I am the first to admit that I have traditional values regarding family. I would love to be a housewife, I love when Mr. Mary Jane does manly things for me to help me out (even though I’m quite capable), and I love being ’taken care of’ by him. But this proposal thing had my feminist waters boiling. Weren’t we supposed to be doing this as equals? As a couple? Why did HE get to see the ring? Why should HE get to choose when to propose? It just made me jealous and mad. I felt like he was stringing me along, teasing me, or maybe even trying to teach me a lesson about patience. It was bringing out the worst in me."

you should read the whole thing. i was going to write my own but i don't write as eloquently as she does. i feel even worse than this, if you can imagine that, because we haven't even done the ring shopping! i am getting extremely frustrated which i know is not fair to him but i don't care! i think i'm starting to get really depressed about this whole thing. :(

and what ms. mary jane said about the whole equality thing really struck a chord in me. i got upset over this same matter a few weekends ago at my boyfriend. and i still really don't think it's fair. why is he making all the decisions? why am i not involved? i think i would feel a little better if he spoke to me about it but he doesn't. and when you think about it, traditionally the guy doesn't necessarily know if the girl is going to say yes. since he does know, i feel its unfair for him to keep me waiting for so long! both he and i know we're going to get married, what's the holdup?

grr. i know im crazy. but i can't help myself.